Emotional Detective

Overcoming Fear

This is the final post in a three-part series on fear.

Facing your fear can be terrifying, even when you know there is no real danger.

One time I tried to do a ropes course with my children that required me to stand on a telephone pole thirty feet high while strapped to a safety harness.  While I knew rationally that I was safe, the terror that washed over me was profound.  I felt just the way the boy looks in the Norman Rockwell paining above.  I will never forget the powerful grip of my irrational fear made as I tried to stand on the narrow top of this very high pole, talking to myself all the while.

What can you do to try to overcome deeply ingrained irrational fears?

 

First, tackle your fears when you are otherwise pretty calm.  Stress increases the intensity of all fear; so you want to start off feeling relaxed before you begin to tackle a fear.  In this respect, it was fortunate that I was on vacation when I tried to stand on a narrow pole that terrified me.

Second, nurture a response to compete with your fear. This alternative response could be your resolve to overcome your fear, a powerful distraction, calm reassurance from someone you trust, or even your own curiosity or pride.

Third, start with small steps.  So if , for example,you are trying to reduce your fear of heights, start with a step ladder.  Stand on the first step as often as you need to until your fear lessens.   Then try standing on the next step.  If at any point you get overwhelmed, go back to a lower step.  I once helped someone with a fear of airplanes by first discussing planes until he became comfortable, then having him read about planes until he was comfortable, then we went to an airport several times until his panic lessened, and then eventually we took a short flight together.  I served as a soothing companion and voice of  reason who could help keep my client's anxiety from skyrocketing.

While trying to overcome your fears, calm yourself with:

1. soothing responses like deep breathing
2. reassurance from someone you trust
3. logical self talk that inspires an emotion other than fear
4. powerful distractions
5. whatever else you think might help

For example, if you are afraid of driving freeways, start off driving just from one exit to the next. Repeat your route until you feel somewhat comfortable, then drive two exits the next day.  Keep driving two exits until you feel more comfortable.  To initiate a response to compete with your fear, get someone to sit with you, put on music that is inspiring, soothing, or distracting, focus on deep breathing, or try some reassuring self talk.  

Identifying Fears

This is part two of a four-part series on fear.

The first challenge to mastering fear is identifying its existence and true source. Sometimes we  conceal our fears or are reluctant to admit to them because we are ashamed. Unfortunately, this is an instance when what we can't see will hurt us.   Identifying our fears as irrational or disproportionate is the first step to overcoming them.  

Joseph LeDoux has studied the neurobiology of fear for decades.  In The Emotional Brain he explains how fear gets etched into our brains two different ways:  through experience (amygdala) and through memory (hippocampus). Fear transmitted by the amygdala is called implicit - it is fast and dirty. Fear generated by the hippocampus is called explicit and it takes longer to form and is more precise.

Some scary experiences are not necessarily consciously remembered or explicitly known, yet they remain scary. Our implicit memories of fear (through the amygdala) persist without our remembering a thing. That is how old fears can lurk inside us and hold us back, even when we don't know why. Implicit memories may lead us to feel helpless or incompetent, without really knowing why. 

(If this video is not embedded, please go to the Emotional Detective.)

 

   

How can we counteract unrecognized fears that stop us from trying new things and being more adventurous?

An intense fear of heights or spiders usually captures your attention easily. However, insecurities like an exaggerated fear of failure,  abandonment, or change may be less noticeable to you. These social fears and self-doubts are often a source of shame because you know, on some level, that these fears belong to an earlier stage of life. Nonetheless, we are still secretly, deep inside, scared stiff.

Often we develop fears as children that rule us throughout our life, immature guidelines about what is safe and what is scary from when we were totally dependent on others and pint sized as well. We often  bring these fears forward with us through life without ever giving it a second thought.   Unacknowledged fears are actually more damaging than fears that you identify.  

Thinking about what keeps you from engaging more fully with the world, in each of your three realms of life, can help you grow out of some of your fears.   

Many fears can be overcome if you recognize their existence.  

Learning To Fear

How do we know what to fear?  Mostly we learn what to fear from direct experience or from others.  In this way we each develop a personal catalogue of fears, which can include universal symbols, specific threats, or imaginary dangers.  Sometimes we learn what to fear from reading history or from watching the news.

Although certain fears are hard-wired into us, our innate tendencies are not nearly as entrenched as you might imagine.  If our personal experience suggests we are safe in the presence of "natural threats", we may learn to be unafraid of them.  

For example, rats can overcome their natural aversion to cats if experience teaches them otherwise.  (If this video is not embedded, please go to the Emotional Detective).

 

 

Along the same lines, if we have bad experiences, we can become afraid of things that are not dangerous.  We initially "learn what is dangerous" from the people who care for us. We observe them and how they respond to everything, paying careful attention to what scares them. If our mother was scared of fear, then it is likely that we will be scared of our fear. Most of us don't remember much before age five, but fears we have learned often stay with us nonetheless.

This next video shows how learning shapes our instincts. Here you can see how a mother's response teaches her baby what to fear and what not to fear. This starts happening when we are very young and continues throughout our childhood.   

  

Despite innate predispositions, our fear is mostly learned from other people's cues about whether to be scared of strangers, our own emotions, new experiences, or bumps in the road. One negative experience (one trial learning) , whether it is from a dog bite or a hurtful remark, may teach us to be afraid for a lifetime. Even when we don't consciously remember our fears, our bodies recollect our past experiences, teaching us what has been scary.

How to overcome irrational fears?

The good news is that you can suppress irrational fears. Having new experiences can gradually free you from old fears, but these new experiences of safety must be repeated over and over again. The hardest part of "unlearning" old fears is having the courage to tolerate your fear long enough to learn something new. The first step to overcoming fears is to identify your fears. 

We are all afraid of many things you cannot see objectively, things like unfamiliarity, difference, change, pain and discomfort. When you think about your fears, do not confine yourself to the physical realm.

Consider how people's fears influence their lives, and yours. As you undertake this exercise, think about people whom you know well, and yourself. 

Fears influence their politics, relationship patterns, adventuresomeness, shyness, and so many things. Fears influence your ability to tolerate your own emotions, bodily responses meant to inform you of opportunity and danger.

Thinking about the source of your fears lets you plan ahead, to respond to your irrational fears with greater calm. Overcoming your fears will inspire the courage needed to try something new, whether in the physical world relationships, or in your mind.  

Fear

According to the philosopher Robert Soloman, we become afraid when we sense the threat of  impending danger and when we feel unable to protect ourselves. Fear prompts defensive maneuvers to get away and  facial expressions that alert others to danger.  Andy Warhol captured a sense of fear very well in this tryptic.  

 

 

Sometimes fear is overwhelming and traumatic, prompting us to shut down or freeze. This can happen in an individual, or in a whole society. FDR famously warned our nation about the dangers of fear in his first inaugural address, explaining how as we tried to recover from the Great Depression, our fear of our fear could be our undoing. He aptly described fear as a "nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance".   We become anxious when we anticipate unavoidable dangers and once we are anxious, everything seems more dangerous -- and so we withdraw from taking any chances to improve things. We see similar patterns happening today as we try to recuperate from the recent recession.

The good news is that we can use our Reason to overcome or manage our excessive fears.  FDR is a remarkable example of someone who must have overcome many fears:  despite being paralyzed and confined to a wheelchair, he ran for president of the United States during the Great Depression, and then bravely lead this great nation out of economic disaster and through the horrors of World War II. 

 

Fear and anxiety can result from threats to Primitive, Social and Reasonable aspects of our Self.      There are certain triggers that typically scare each of our three aspects:

 

Our Primitive aspect is predisposed to be scared of cues that indicate possible physical threats, things like heights, predators, insects, snakes, loud noises, and darkness.    Some of us are more predisposed toward fear than others.   However, despite having tendencies to fear certain things, many of our fears are acquired based on experience.

 

 Our Social aspect is afraid of being excluded, abandoned, forgotten, or scorned.  Relationships are soothing and they help reduce the intensity of many of our negative emotions, especially our fears. 

 

 

 Our Reasonable aspect is scared by lack of meaning, an uncertain future, and making mistakes.  It suffers from existential worries and can become obsessed with any fear.  

Fear is a powerful motivator, like all emotions. And fear of fear creates its own problems, leading to irrational phobias and paralysis that interferes with economic recoveries and personal progress.  Lesser fears stop us all from persisting with difficulty and trying new things, limiting our success and shrinking our world unnecessarily.

How to use your Reason to try to manage your fears?

Before beginning to manage your fears better, take a moment to think about what sorts of things scare you. Do you fears cluster around physical dangers, social concerns, or more philosophical matters?

What are your physical and primitive fears?  For example:

• What animals or insects do you fear?
• Are you scared of heights, closed in spaces, fire?
• Are you afraid of loud noises, spilled drinks, things coming at you?

What are your social fears?  For example:

• Do you worry about being excluded from groups, or found lacking?
• Are you afraid of rejection or abandonment?
• Are you afraid of being mocked?
• Are you afraid of being alone?

What are your intellectual or philosophical fears?  For example:

• Are you afraid of trying to learn new things, reading challenging books, or memorization? Does your fear stop you from learning or trying something new?
• Are you afraid that you have no meaning in your life? 
• Are you afraid of the state of the world today? 
• Do yo do anything to address your fears?

Write down the fears that are holding you back in life. How are these fears interfering with your life? Which ones would you like to work on overcoming or managing better? 

Think about when and how your fears first developed? Did you learn to be scared from watching or listening to others, or did become frightened from your own experience? 

Thinking about the source of your fears lets you identify those that may lingering unnecessarily from earlier in your life. Addressing those fears can require innovation, hard work, and the courage to try something new, but it's better than feeling frightened and paralyzed for no good reason.    

True Joy

True joy transports us into a pleasurable state that may include delight, ecstasy, or bliss. Lifting us naturally up, real joy reflects an honest sense that our life is getting better.   

 Real joy does not compensate for other pains; it does not rely on chemical substances for its effects. 

The satisfaction of revenge can easily be confused with real joy. The difference is simple: revenge seeks to redress old pains whereas real joy is truly pleasurable - in and of itself. Revenge may elevate us from a diminished state momentarily, whether from a sense of inadequacy, injustice, fear or anger. Although revenge may temporarily mask our pain it is rarely able to address the actual cause of our injury. Pursuing revenge is more like stirring a hornet's nest than applying a salve.

Natural joy also gets confused with getting high from drugs.  While intoxicants make us feel as though we are moving toward greater perfection, power, and freedom, this is only an illusion.  Although we may feel especially happy when under the influence of mood-enhancing drugs, this is not an accurate signal of our well-being. This is not true joy. When drugs wear off we are usually left off worse than before. This is how we know that recreational drugs produce only an illusion of true joy.

It can be hard to tell true joy from other forms of pleasure. This is a distinction that we can only make for ourselves. 

For those who have not seen it, this video shows a remarkable moment of joy that stretches into blissful awe. Some people think the narrator was on drugs, he has said he was not. What do you think? Is this true joy? 

     

What Kind of Joy?

Last Sunday night people poured into the streets to celebrate the killing of Osama Bin Laden. What kind of joy was this? Which aspects of human nature - primitive, social, or reasonable - were satisfied?

 

Watching videos of NYC, Washington DC, and colleges across the country it looked like victory celebrations that might follow a sporting event or election. People seem overjoyed to be "back in the game". Bin Laden's death seems to have offered a salve for feelings of weakness and vulnerability that began after 9/11. It offers a relief from fear, a shared sense of solidarity, a renewed hope in justice, and the delight of retribution.

The philosopher Baruch Spinoza believed that joy signals movement toward our best functioning.   If you accept his assumption (which I do), then you must wonder "How does Bin laden's death move us toward our best selves? "

Ever since Bin Laden attacked the Twin Towers with impunity, Americans have felt more frightened, angry, and despondent. Our government's ability to hunt and kill Bin Laden has turned the tables in many people's minds, shifting us from loser (since 9/11) to winner overnight. This murder seems to have restored a sense of national pride, however momentarily, and satisfied our need for justice.   Now we feel like we are back on top and there seems more room for hope.  

Yet this was a murder, no matter how necessary, meaningful, or symbolic. My colleague Robin Cohen, Ph.D. wrote an interesting piece about Bin Laden's death, sharing her thoughts and feelings as they oscillated back and forth from satisfaction to horror.

For me I wonder, is this be real joy? Using Spinoza's definition, I ask "are we more uplifted,  hopeful, or free?" Do we feel stronger and more righteous, more confidant knowing that  we have eliminated a globally destructive man from this world? Does this knowledge help us function better?  

If this is joy, what kind is it: Primitive, Social or Reasonable?   

What do you think about Bin Laden's assassination?    How much of your joy about this event is because:

• Justice was served
• With a destructive man like Bin Laden dead, you now feel safer
• Your government seems more competent and powerful
• Your wish for retribution and vengefulness has been satisfied

What other sources of joy have you felt around this momentous event? Are you comfortable with how you feel, or does it make you uneasy to be glad someone has been murdered? Do you often feel joy when a right has been wronged? 

To me this is Primitive joy: we feel physically safer and we have won this round. Bin Laden's death shows how one event can stir intense emotions by symbolizing  so much more.  This successful mission has provoked many mixed emotions for many people.

Are there certain emotions around this event that you have  paid attention to, and others which you have you overlooked?   Is this a common  for you, to pay attention to certain of your motives while  ignoring others?  Going one step further, do you know why you paid more attention to some of your feelings than others? 

Joy

As the philosopher Spinoza observed, joy reflects a sense that we are moving toward our best selves. When joyful we feel uplifted, hopeful, and freer.  

 

 

 

Everything seems better and the world seems larger.

 

 

 

What usually triggers joy? 

 

Our primitive aspect likes winning, exploring, power, novelty, and possessions.   It likes sensory pleasures including food, sex, natural beauty, exertion, and rest.  When frustrated, though, it likes to destroy.

 

Our social aspect likes to fit in, feel accepted, and valued.  It likes to love and be loved -  tend others, be protective, play, and seek justice.  It likes relationships, unions, and families. When frustrated, it likes to turn the other cheek.

 

Our reasonable aspect likes understanding, meaning, purpose, and self-esteem.  It likes making successful strategies and plans, coordinating with the social and primitive.   When frustrated, it likes a break and is willing to wait for another chance. 

 

Joy also can trigger joy. 

 

Last week's royal wedding was joyful on many levels.

 

 

The bride and ceremony were beautiful. 

The couple seemed delighted and their apparent joy was infectious.

The union stirred hope for relationships, for a shared history, and for us all.

Even skeptics took joy in trying to be above it all.