Emotional Detective

Gossiping for the Good?

Second in a three-part series on gossip.

Despite its well-earned bad press, psychologists are now discovering that gossip can sometimes be a tool for helping people work toward common goals; they call this pro-social gossip.   For example, in small towns or cooperative groups, sharing information about a person's duplicity – pro-social gossiping –  warns others in the community about that person’s hidden past behavior and anti-social inclinations.  In this way, gossip can spread all kinds of useful information.

Pro-social gossip can thus “save” others from bad experiences and improve the community’s learning curve.  It’s easy to see how such human cooperation yields enormous benefits, both practically and emotionally.

Gossip may serve yet another positive function in a group or community: it can deter “bad” behavior and inhibit selfishness. Working together as a group is important and necessary for government, commerce, agriculture and much more (see my post on Superorganisms).  Nonetheless, our primitive aspect is generally a terrible collaborator.  It’s sad to say, but this non-social part of us always wants to get more and give less.

  The threat of gossip may be one way to rein in the primitive aspects of human nature.  Greediness or overtly self-serving behavior can get people talking about you.  Shifty business dealings, infidelity, taking credit you don't deserve, and ungenerous actions get people talking -- and people will know.  In this way, the threat of gossip can serve as a warning and reminder of the cost of letting your primitive aspect rule the day.

So why the age-old taboo against gossip?  Because gossip – a potential tool for social cohesion – is often used for personal gain, becoming mean-spirited and destructive.  Gossip is damaging when it serves the selfish needs of the participants rather than protecting or educating people in the community about anti-social behavior.  When we gossip to be “in the know,”  entertain, satisfy a personal grudge, or bond with somebody else, then our chatter clearly isn’t for the greater good.

 

 So how to tell the difference between useful and destructive gossip?

When you have an urge to gossip and pass on information, take a moment to reflect.

Consider your motives:

• Are they pure, or are you meeting a selfish personal need to feel superior, become part of a group, or settle a score?
• Does it give you value to share this gossip, or is it valuable to others?
• Are you gossiping just to entertain?

Consider your impact:

• Is there a danger in letting others learn about this person first-hand?
• Will your gossip help protect others from someone’s destructive ways?
• Who is likely to be hurt by your gossip?  Are there going to be "innocent victims?" 
• Can you really foresee the full impact of your words?
• Overall, will your news  have a destructive or constructive impact on people whom you value or respect?

Consider your credibility:

• How confident are you about the source of your information?
• How will you feel if you discover that your gossip is inaccurate?

Keep in mind that gossip is like toothpaste:  once it’s out of the tube, it’s impossible to get back in.

The Urge to Gossip

First in a three-part series on gossip 

Most of us are taught from an early age not to gossip. It is forbidden by Jewish law and considered the 8th deadly sin by many Christians.  Gossip typically involves saying or repeating something bad about a person who is not present.  It generally occurs among a community of people who interact cooperatively together, although these days the mass media exploits our love of gossip - even about strangers - shamelessly.  

Despite strong cultural and religious prohibitions, most people nonetheless have urges to gossip.  And most give in to those urges from time to time.   Men typically share gossip with their romantic partner, while women tend to share it with one another.  I have always found this "need" to gossip curious, especially when I detect the urge inside myself. 

Why do we want to gossip?

When we hear a piece of “juicy” gossip, it’s usually about something that offends or shocks us, and we have an emotional reaction.   Frequently we feel that something has occurred that is unjust.  When we discover that someone is having an affair or that our neighbor is a criminal, it sets our tongues a wagging.  It is often the unexpected or unseemly aspects of a person’s character that we most want to gossip about.  The writer Leo Lerman kept 50 years of gossip-filled journals because he was "interested in the disparity between the surface and what goes on underneath.” 

Motivations may vary, but the desire to gossip can feel like a physical need or craving, as though you are bursting with a desire to tell.  This is because the emotions stirred by unsettling information are pressing to be shared, and most people want others to be revealed for who they really are. 

Emotions trigger “action tendencies” (like fight or flight) including an urge to communicate.  When you discover that someone is dishonest or exploitive, it often inspires a sense of outrage -- and a wish to do something.  Research suggests that gossip may sometimes be fueled by the human need  for emotional expression about injustice, and a wish to ensure the common good.  

While the urge to gossip may be biological, and may even have some compelling social benefits (to be discussed more next week), gossip can also serve our less altruistic and more primitive impulses.  It can be a strategy for gaining power -- using information about others as currency to be traded - or for enhancing our social status as an insider "in the know."

Gossip often gets used to elevate the gossiper at the expense of others.  Yes, it can be entertaining, but even the motivation for listening and enjoying gossip is worth questioning.

How to manage the urge to gossip?

When you have an urge to start or spread gossip, try:

• Waiting for a while -- the sense of urgency may die down
• Managing the “bursting to tell” impulse/energy without gossiping (write about how you feel, think about the consequences of spreading the word)
• Talking to someone who doesn't know the people involved in your gossip
• Putting yourself in the shoes of the person who you want to bad-mouth (empathy may help reduce your outrage)
• Thinking about what you will gain by gossiping

Self-Disclosure

Second in a two-part series on  Getting Unstuck

Last week I shared my regrets about not having posted a column for so long.  My remorse was layered with awkwardness over having dropped the ball with you, my reader.   I felt that there was an elephant in our cyber room, one that needed addressing. 

 

 

Fortunately, I remembered a strategy taught by my professor Jerry Goodman from UCLA  (see Talk Doctor for more about self-disclosure):

  “When in Trouble, Disclose on the Double.”

Sometimes a conversation or relationship seems to be going in the wrong direction.  Tension builds and mistrust creeps in, leading to misinterpretations, confrontation, embarrassment, and frustration.  People typically get aggressive, defensive and just plain pig-headedly stubborn at these times, none of which  helps the situation. When a relationship gets very uncomfortable – that is to say, when your positive connection with someone else seems to be deteriorating, or even disappearing – try a new strategy.  Reverse the course by confessing your struggle or commenting on the emotionally relevant “elephant” in the room.  (As I did with you last week.)

 

 

Commenting on an emotionally tense situation by using self-disclosure often changes both the rhythm and outcome of an interaction by disarming your partner.   It can turn the tone of a tense exchange from competitive (disappointing, hostile, or distant) to cooperative. 

 

 

Making yourself vulnerable by opening up can defuse the underlying sense of combativeness, introducing a sense of togetherness and camaraderie, which helps everyone relax.  You can also use a self-disclosure to postpone a difficult encounter until a time when emotions are not running so high.

How to use self-disclosure to reduce tension in a conversation or interaction?

Next time you are in an emotionally strained conversation, when the tune is one of discord rather than harmony, remember that "When in trouble, disclose on the double."   Consider a new option - comment on the process of the conversation rather than the content.    Even if you don't know what is going on and can't "fix" an interaction, self-disclosure can often improve both the direction and the tone. 

For example:

• Comment on how you feel ("I dread where this is going.")
• Comment on how you imagine the other person feels. ("I see this is hard for you.")
• Comment on the process ("I think we are getting stuck - shall we finish another time?")
• Admit your mistakes and avoid excuses. (" I didn't handle this well.")
• Acknowledge your flaws  ("This is not my strong suit.")

When relationships or conversations are strained, self-disclosure can be a very useful tool to get unstuck and start moving in a new, more productive direction.